Dana’s journal : Never Again

Feedback: Yes, please!!

Rating: PG

Category: Scully POV

Spoilers: Never Again

Disclaimer: Not mine; XF characters belong to 1013 Productions.

Summary: Karen Kossef thinks it’s a good thing to write what I feel about what I call the Philadelphia disaster.

Notes: Written for the 500 words couch challenge

***

Dana’s journal : Never Again

« Why I am even bothering to write this? Karen Kossef thinks it’s a good thing to write what I feel about what I call the Philadelphia disaster. She gave me that assignment because I wasn’t able to voice my feelings about Ed Jerse, the tattoo and our aborted talk in the office.

How can I possibly express to a shrink what I can’t tell you?

How can I tell her I wanted to see you so jealous that I picked up a man and got tattooed and was about to do the naked pretzel with him?

I didn’t do it, Mulder. I couldn’t. I couldn’t cheat on you. I gave him the headache line and thanks god, he was too drunk to argue with me.  

Why is it so hard to bare my feelings to you? I know deep down that you love me but that you can’t act on it. You are afraid to break the only true friendship you ever had. I can’t help but resent you because of your incapacity to admit your love.

I can’t help but resent myself because I can’t open up to you. I can’t tell you how empty I feel inside. I can’t tell you how much I fantasize about making love with you.  

I can’t tell you that I touch myself thinking about you, yelling your name when I come and breaking down in cry after because I am ashamed of myself, ashamed to love you in secret.  

I was hurt by your remarks when I was in Philadelphia and by getting mad, I acted like a rebellious teenager or a wife who is fed up with her husband ignoring her or taking her for granted. I went out with the guy I met in the tattoo parlor. I got drunk. I got tattooed. I could have died because Jerse was a psychopath.  

We didn’t speak at the hospital. We could speak at the office. I couldn’t spoke to Karen. I just can write my heart contents here and just hope to have the courage to tell you the truth. Someday.  

I love you Mulder, only you. You are my truth and you are my light. If I get to do it all over again, I would get a tattoo claiming “I love FWM” just inside my left breast, near to my heart.

I would take you to my apartment and I would claim you as mine.  

But it’s easier to write this than to tell you the naked truth. I love you. I love you. And I am to much of a chicken to admit. So it will stay between me and my journal”.  

 The end