A Regression into Obsession

A Regression into Obsession

Q > "Why'd you do it?"

M > "Don't really know. It wasn't as if I ever really felt I had a choice. No one gave me a multiple answer sheet where I got to pick and choose."

Q > "But you knew it was dangerous, an emotional timebomb, that it could cost you a lot?"

M > "I thought it was worth it."

Q > "Worth it? Perhaps you could explain that statement."

M > "Most people spend there whole lives looking for something to believe in. I was forced to believe, like it or not. Anything else would have been an act of betrayal. So that set the wheels in motion. I'm not a fatalist. But, looking back, some things seem inevitable."

Q > "Tell me what it was like. Back then. When it happened."

M > "It's not really something I talk about. It was impossible at first, I couldn't take it in. I couldn't accept it. I was twelve, you don't expect to experience that kind of loss when you are twelve. The kids at school, staring, wondering, too nervous to ask, too curious to feign ignorance."

Q > "And at home?"

M > "No one would talk about it. It cut too deep. I think they knew more, understood more than they said, but back then, I thought they were just as confused as me."

Q > "And later?"

M > "I went away to University and tried to shake it off, you know, start over. There are some things that you can't just shake off."

Q > "But you did for a time. Built a career. Made a name for yourself. People expected great things of you."

M > "Sure. I was smart and I had something to prove. Good combination. But you can't just keep doing things to please other people."

Q > "When did you start to remember?"

M > "I never really forgot. I let go of the details, but not the emotions. I just managed to keep it low enough on the list that it niggled away at me, but without other people really noticing it."

Q > "But it didn't stay that way?"

M > "It was the little things at first. I'd see an item on TV and it would upset me more than it should or I'd spot a couple of lines in the newspaper, some trashy tabloid and get hung up about them, as if by reading them over and over I was going to suddenly be blessed with some amazing insight."

Q > "And it was a little while after that, that you found the X-Files?"

M > "I suppose they found me. I was ready for them."

Q > "What had changed?"

M > "Me. I needed more. I needed things that pulled the emotions from me, let me release the tension. I needed to use my brain on things that were important to me, even if they didn't seem valid to other people, to use my imagination without being laughed at, criticised, monitored. I didn't want to constantly live up to other people's expectations."

Q > "But that's not what happened. Let's start with how you handled your need for an emotional outlet. Tell me about the early days."

M > "Some things went brilliantly. I couldn't believe how much success we had. How much progress we made. And psychologically, it actually worked the way I planned. Like going into therapy but without having the doctor's bills or the bit in the waiting room where you get to read five year old copies of Time."

Q > "It let you show emotion?"

M > "Show it? Feel it. A wild ride. There were times when I could go from absolute misery to ecstasy in the space of a couple of hours."

Q > "That's quite a recommendation."

M > "And all without the need for chemicals aids."

Q > "But not everything worked out so well. Tell me about that."

M > "It's not what it did to me, it's what it did to my partner. We tried to go forward together, but it was difficult. It was as if we could look at the same image and see completely different things. We both have our obsessions and our blind spots, things we see, things we accept, things we reject. We can get so close it hurts. But we can end up miles apart."

Q > "Because you need the distance?"

M > "No. Not really, I guess despite how much we've shared we have different agendas, different needs and sometimes it's the differences that define us."

Q > "Did you offer to share the agenda with your partner, ask for backup?"

M > "I knew I'd be turned down or I'd get talked out of it. I don't handle rejection well and I didn't want to be talked out of it."

Q > "And the imagination issue, the chance to do things without living up to other people's expectations. What happened there?"

M > "It worked for a while. But then I got too involved, got too self conscious. Got more nervous, I suppose."

Q > "So have you taken any action?"

M > "Tried to, but they were all just cheap thrills, quick fixes. Attracted attention but didn't really get me anywhere."

Q > "Ok. You seem to be prevaricating now. Let's get specific. I'll recap for you.

When you were twelve, Manchester United were relegated to League Division Two. You never accepted that they were completely crap. You always thought that one day, things would work out. It took them twenty years to come good and start winning trophies. These days they can make you laugh, cry or scream at will. Your annual season ticket is your most treasured possession. Your husband hates soccer. So you go alone, even when it means driving three hundred miles overnight in freezing fog to get home after a game.

Then you started writing X-Files fanfic. Initially it was legit stuff, real stories, real characters but after a time you found it wasn't enough, you had to act out all your literary fantasies through writing for X Philes. So you started writing vignettes, soppy romances, you even dabbled in NC17, but it wasn't enough.

Tell me. What have you done about it?"

M > "It's embarrassing."

Q > "No need to feel embarrassed here. After all, it's too late now."

M > "I guess so. Well. I found two others, you know, and I said I'd write with them. You know, tag team, Mulderangst stuff. But..."

Q > "But?"

M > "I still had to join the XAngst list... It just happened. I'd heard of it. We all had. But I'd been so confident that I wouldn't get taken in like that. And then. I can't believe I'm saying this. I know what it means, I'm an addict. It's not my only obsession. It time shares with my other obsessions but that doesn't make it any better does it?"

Sorry about that, but I did warn you.
And to my email pal who asked 'when are you going to start writing real stories again?'. I will, honest, it's just obsession number three, fireworks, is currently in control